Mental Health awareness day was last week and I wanted to write this blog post then but honestly it was too hard. My mental health right now is not great. I’m by no means awful but it’s not where I’d like it to be. It’s been an accumulation of being chronically ill for numerous years and stressful life events adding on top of that.
A major part of the problem right now is my medication. One of the many side effects that many of my medications can cause is anxiety and depression. Whilst I wouldn’t class myself as depressed, I am aware that my anxiety and amount of pain attacks have increased recently and I’m defiantly on the weepy side. However life events haven’t helped either, Just last week I went to collect my little boys prescription from the chemist and found myself being motioned to sit silently on the floor with him due to a lady with a knife ransacking the place; this understandably has made me anxious about leaving the flat on my own, even though I know that I am being irrational as I know that the chances of being in that situation again are very small.
Yesterday I attended the emergency eye clinic at my local hospital and was informed that I have my fourth bout of optic neuritis is a year and a half. Due to this and some more symptoms they have made the decision to refer me to a specialist neuro and carry out testing again for multiple sclerosis; another spanner in the works.
Between my physical & mental health plus the stress of uni work, I feel like I need to let myself have a good cry, pick myself up and carry on except there isn’t time to cry. Don’t get me wrong I love my life but I’m finding it hard to know what to do to help myself. I force myself to do what scares me like leave the flat but it’s draining working up the courage to do so. I would talk to the doctor about it but I daren’t risk it as I know they will stop my painkillers if they start worrying about depression which I need for my seizures. I have ordered myself a mindful mediation manual and CD and hoping that a holistic attitude will help.
The title says it all. I am filled with relief. I have spent the last week hardly sleeping, overthinking and consumed with dread at today’s hospital appointment. Good news for a change though. I do not have MS! The Dr was uncertain as to whether the issue with my sight is being caused by inflamed optic nerves or inflamed retinas, she’s leaning more towards the problem being with my retinas. Because my left eye, which is my ‘good eye’ also shows signs of being affected I have been prescribed a 3 week course of steroids to help speed up the recovery process.
Emotionally I feel drained, and a lot of sleep needs to be caught up on but I am thrilled to know what’s going on with my body and that it can be sorted! This evening is being spent recuperating with Harry Potter, and dairyfree chocolate. What more can a girl want?!
I learnt many things from Harry Potter…this was one of them.
Since I last blogged things have been hectic. I have spent the majority of my days either at the hospital having various investigations carried out, or on the phone to them chasing down followup appointments. This week I have had more bloods taken and an MRI of my brain, eyes and spine with contrast performed. Tuesdays MRI experience seemed a bit surreal. It took 35 minutes, three medical personnel and 7 attempts before I was successfully cannulated as my veins were up to their usual disappearing act. This time allowed for me to internally become quiet anxious at the thought of being in the MRI machine for a minimum of an hour – in the end it was about one hour twenty. I am generally not a claustrophobic person, but this machine brings that fear out in me, this is most likely exacerbated by the fact that I have to be strapped to the table to ensure my spasms cannot move me around to much and distort the images.
Taken just after escaping the MRI machine
My stress levels have been through the roof this last week. I have fought so hard over the last four years to be put on a medication regime that allows me to have more control over my body again, and live a relatively normal life. The mere thought that my body may become more of an issue again is distressing. However I am lucky that I have a good support system in place, my family help keep me distracted, my boyfriend is great at talking through my concerns with me, and my councilor has been a fantastic space for me to vent and explore my frustrations at my faulty body.
Relaxing in Costa after a long day of tests at the hospital
I get the results of my MRI on Monday. So I shall know then whether more investigations need to be carried out or if it is MS.
This week I have had three GP appointments, and visited three different hospitals. It’s been busy to say the least. For the majority of it I have managed to stay relatively calm and think in clear cut clinical terms. Today that went out the window. My GP this morning, unhappy at the treatment I was receiving at another hospital sent me with an urgent referral to my nearest emergency eye unit. It has been an extremely long day of explaining symptoms, examinations and watching the same concerned expression on the nurses and Drs faces, when they realize that yes I really cannot see out of my eye.
Optic Neuritis for the second time in just under six months had the Drs in charge of my care today fairly concerned. Today they presented the fact to me that they had to consider that Multiple Sclerosis was the reason behind my Optic Neuritis. So tomorrow I’m heading back to the hospital for blood tests as there are a few other conditions than cause vision problems that they want to rule out, and at some point in the next two weeks I’ll be having a contrast MRI of my head and spine to give them more of an idea of what is going on. Now I’m doing my best to remain optimistic, my way of thinking so far is that I already have a fair few neurological issues, so surely it’s another part of the bodies turn to be the problem. Not the most logical attitude I know, but it’s working for me.
In the meantime, Disney soundtracks are my distraction.